During the Mid-Autumn Festival break I attended two Chinese weddings. Weddings are not a big deal for me. My dad has nine brothers and sisters, therefore I have many cousins. It didn't even strike me as odd that I have been to over 10 weddings and baby showers until I compared with my friends. However, they were all "western" weddings. Let me tell you how Chinese weddings work.
I would like to thank my IT guy and the HR person who invited me to their weddings. It was super kind of them and even a bit last minute for them. Thank you!
I would like to thank my IT guy and the HR person who invited me to their weddings. It was super kind of them and even a bit last minute for them. Thank you!
IT Guy's wedding was on Monday of the break. I came with five other co-workers to a hotel/conference building. Right away there are cardboard cut-outs of the couple and a billboard sized photo of them together in the lobby. Tons of pink balloons and roses that are have gold leaf on them. Holy cow.
Then we walk inside the venue and...we are early? People are setting up the tables, ten people are chilling in their seats, and there are others cutting up fruit at another table. All of them are wearing t-shirts and jeans. My co-workers and myself are wearing nice clothes. In the middle of the room is a catwalk runway and stage with a light-up board that has a slideshow-video of the couple on repeat. We wait an hour when the room gets full of t-shirt wearing people who are smoking like chimneys. It gets bad enough that a few of us wear our breathing face masks. The tables all have a lazy susan on them with four packs of cigarrettes, one bottle of wine, one bottle of bear, one bottle of rice wine, and bottles of orange juice, coconut water, and mango juice. Slowly the food comes out.
The first is a bowl of peanuts, then we get a plate of sliced beef, and a few meatballs. The real food comes out and it is plates and plates of meat, 30 to be exact. There are so many plates that we literally stacked one on top of the other like food jenga. The meat includes fish, crab, abalone, a pork thigh, a whole duck, brisket, lobster, and shrimp. Other dishes include a pumpkin with purple rice inside (wedding dessert), a dense cake (it was like carrot cake but not made of carrots), asparagus, broccoli, and a mixture of green beans with shrimp. Every guest also gets a goodie bag or should I say box. It is a literal box of candy, cookies, and fruit to take home.
We hear fireworks go off and see smoke outside the windows. I read that it was custom to light a load of fireworks for the couple to scare off bad luck. They keep this tradition to this day.
While we ate the couple finally walks in on stage the parents join them. While they walk up to the stage, the waiters and waitresses literally cut them off to serve food and many people walk over the cat walk. It surprised me and my co-workers. They give maybe 30 second speeches each when the parents come off stage. Keep in mind we are all eating, when we look up the couple is exchanging rings! There was no pause, no ask for silence, eveyone just kept eating and chatting it up barely noticing the couple. The DJ asks them to kiss and then we give a toast. That is it! They are married. The couple sits down with the wedding parties and eat then they go to each table and the guests toast them. We go home after that.
Then we walk inside the venue and...we are early? People are setting up the tables, ten people are chilling in their seats, and there are others cutting up fruit at another table. All of them are wearing t-shirts and jeans. My co-workers and myself are wearing nice clothes. In the middle of the room is a catwalk runway and stage with a light-up board that has a slideshow-video of the couple on repeat. We wait an hour when the room gets full of t-shirt wearing people who are smoking like chimneys. It gets bad enough that a few of us wear our breathing face masks. The tables all have a lazy susan on them with four packs of cigarrettes, one bottle of wine, one bottle of bear, one bottle of rice wine, and bottles of orange juice, coconut water, and mango juice. Slowly the food comes out.
The first is a bowl of peanuts, then we get a plate of sliced beef, and a few meatballs. The real food comes out and it is plates and plates of meat, 30 to be exact. There are so many plates that we literally stacked one on top of the other like food jenga. The meat includes fish, crab, abalone, a pork thigh, a whole duck, brisket, lobster, and shrimp. Other dishes include a pumpkin with purple rice inside (wedding dessert), a dense cake (it was like carrot cake but not made of carrots), asparagus, broccoli, and a mixture of green beans with shrimp. Every guest also gets a goodie bag or should I say box. It is a literal box of candy, cookies, and fruit to take home.
We hear fireworks go off and see smoke outside the windows. I read that it was custom to light a load of fireworks for the couple to scare off bad luck. They keep this tradition to this day.
While we ate the couple finally walks in on stage the parents join them. While they walk up to the stage, the waiters and waitresses literally cut them off to serve food and many people walk over the cat walk. It surprised me and my co-workers. They give maybe 30 second speeches each when the parents come off stage. Keep in mind we are all eating, when we look up the couple is exchanging rings! There was no pause, no ask for silence, eveyone just kept eating and chatting it up barely noticing the couple. The DJ asks them to kiss and then we give a toast. That is it! They are married. The couple sits down with the wedding parties and eat then they go to each table and the guests toast them. We go home after that.
Questions I had that you probably do to.
1. Is there gifts you give or money? Yes, families give gifts but everyone else gives a red packet of money usually 100 RMB or more. DO NOT GIVE 400 as 4 sounds like the word death in Chinese. Anything in pairs is fine (200, 600). 8 is a lucky number, 9 is not. Also you usually give the red packet money to the couple before the wedding. While we were at the wedding we were searching for a gift table or card basket and it was not there. We gave it to the couple as they toasted us.
2. Uh, what up with people being so casual?? Rural weddings in China will have people come in just regular clothes but urban weddings everyone dresses up. The part we attended wasn't even the actual wedding but the reception, even though they exchanged rings. Many Chinese people do not wear wedding rings and the ring ceremony has only just been recently included. That explains why the staff and guests didn't act like anything was a big deal when the couple did arrive and why no one was quiet during the ring ceremony.
3. What up with the extravagence of the posters and cut-outs and food? Chinese weddings were once all about showing off the families' wealth to their neighbors to climb in social status. While people no longer compete the idea of going big for the wedding to show fortune is still there. One person at the wedding told me it can be seen as a way to invite fortune into the couple's life as well.
HR lady's wedding was on Thursday of that week and were invited to the entire event which takes ALL DAY. We woke up at 7:00 am and did not go home until 9:00 pm. First we go to the bride's parents' house where she is getting ready. Her family is very excited I am there and that the bride knows a white person (maybe why I got invited for the entire day? Not sure.) The groom then comes to the house to fetch his bride but not before meeting with a few tricks. In order to get the bride he has to pay off people in the house (the red packet money mentioned before is what he uses) to get in. Then the bridesmaids give him tasks to do in order to see his bride. There are no set tasks, it is up for the bridesmaids or family to decide. For this groom it included eating wasabi oreos, drinking vinegar, paying the bridesmaids twice as much, and finally reading and signing a contract about how he will do the dishes, never complain about housework, and serve his wife hand and foot. (I need a copy of that contract TBH.)
Next stop we drive an hour to the groom's house (Jiaxing is 4 million people) but before we get in the car and leave, the mother of the bride gives her a pair of red shoes (red is lucky). At the groom's parents' house we are greeted with fireworks and roses on a red carpet leading to his house. In the doorway of the house the couple stand in front of the groom's parents. A man says a few lines, the couple bow three times to the groom's parents, bow to each other and boom! They are married.
The bride changes from a white dress to a red dress and we eat lunch. The meal is just like the other wedding with tons of food and drinks and cigarrettes. The couple toast each table then we are off.
We head to the couple's new apartment for tea and snacks but this is only for the wedding party and a few others. I was one of the few others. This is new custom as usually the married couple will buy a house and have their parents live with them, or they live at one of their parents' houses. A typical family in China lives with grandparents, parents, and kids in one house but some have moved on to where everyone lives in their own home. The bride changes into a different red dress with a phoenix on it. At weddings you could find dragons or phoenixes littered in the decor or outfits.
Last stop is back at the bride's parents' house where they have made supper. Just like the lunch there are tons of meat dishes, we each get a goodie box, and the couple toasts us.
Next stop we drive an hour to the groom's house (Jiaxing is 4 million people) but before we get in the car and leave, the mother of the bride gives her a pair of red shoes (red is lucky). At the groom's parents' house we are greeted with fireworks and roses on a red carpet leading to his house. In the doorway of the house the couple stand in front of the groom's parents. A man says a few lines, the couple bow three times to the groom's parents, bow to each other and boom! They are married.
The bride changes from a white dress to a red dress and we eat lunch. The meal is just like the other wedding with tons of food and drinks and cigarrettes. The couple toast each table then we are off.
We head to the couple's new apartment for tea and snacks but this is only for the wedding party and a few others. I was one of the few others. This is new custom as usually the married couple will buy a house and have their parents live with them, or they live at one of their parents' houses. A typical family in China lives with grandparents, parents, and kids in one house but some have moved on to where everyone lives in their own home. The bride changes into a different red dress with a phoenix on it. At weddings you could find dragons or phoenixes littered in the decor or outfits.
Last stop is back at the bride's parents' house where they have made supper. Just like the lunch there are tons of meat dishes, we each get a goodie box, and the couple toasts us.
Questions I had that maybe you do too.
1. What up with the meat? Typically only wealthy families could afford meat so everyone serves the meat first and a ton of it to show their wealth. Veggies are served last and there are few of them as those are "poor foods."
2. No cake. That is a western thing.
3. Is the wedding ceremony that short? The wedding ceremony we saw was only just a slice of it. People will go to a government office, fill out the forms, and will be married there. Everything that we saw at the homes and venue could technically all be called reception and just for show. Your wedding day and anniversary can be totally different here. People will be married a month before the reception, but most people will celebrate their wedding anniversary on the day of the reception. In America you get the forms but then the person performing the marriage right (usually a religious person) and the maid of honor and best man will sign the form as witnesses the same day as the reception and the entire group of people you invited can be at the marriage ceremony.
4. What up with the sybolism? Most of the items I saw were rooted in these old ideas of luck. Avoid the number 4, everything must be in even numbers, red and gold included, dragons and phoenixes be included, fireworks to scare off bad luck, and markers on the door to invite good luck. I know that western traditions are based in these ideas too but I think many of us do not remember their meanings or why we do it. For instance, bridesmaids, which are a western ideal, started off as a way to confuse evil spirits who may try to attack the bride. Best man was a person that was supposed to be skilled at sword fighting to protect the couple from jealous suitors. Some we have that I do not know why we do it include: the groom can't look at the bride until the wedding ceremony as it is bad luck, rain on your wedding day means good luck, and throw a bouqet of flowers and the person who catches it will be married next. Chinese know why they have their traditions, but I do not think Westerners know why we do our traditions.
2. No cake. That is a western thing.
3. Is the wedding ceremony that short? The wedding ceremony we saw was only just a slice of it. People will go to a government office, fill out the forms, and will be married there. Everything that we saw at the homes and venue could technically all be called reception and just for show. Your wedding day and anniversary can be totally different here. People will be married a month before the reception, but most people will celebrate their wedding anniversary on the day of the reception. In America you get the forms but then the person performing the marriage right (usually a religious person) and the maid of honor and best man will sign the form as witnesses the same day as the reception and the entire group of people you invited can be at the marriage ceremony.
4. What up with the sybolism? Most of the items I saw were rooted in these old ideas of luck. Avoid the number 4, everything must be in even numbers, red and gold included, dragons and phoenixes be included, fireworks to scare off bad luck, and markers on the door to invite good luck. I know that western traditions are based in these ideas too but I think many of us do not remember their meanings or why we do it. For instance, bridesmaids, which are a western ideal, started off as a way to confuse evil spirits who may try to attack the bride. Best man was a person that was supposed to be skilled at sword fighting to protect the couple from jealous suitors. Some we have that I do not know why we do it include: the groom can't look at the bride until the wedding ceremony as it is bad luck, rain on your wedding day means good luck, and throw a bouqet of flowers and the person who catches it will be married next. Chinese know why they have their traditions, but I do not think Westerners know why we do our traditions.
To summarize I would say that Chinese weddings are about fortune, meat, and serving the guests first. I think for my own wedding I may include some of these ideas...especially the husband contract. ;p
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